Alopecia Totalis Journey to Freedom

Alopecia totalis (AT) is a condition characterized by the complete loss of hair on the scalp. It is an advanced form of alopecia areata 
Alopecia Areata
Sudden hair loss that starts with one or more circular bald patches that occurs when the immune system attacks hair follicles and may be brought on by severe stress.

In the picture with the Afro, I was eight years old. I had several bald spots alopecia areata. However, I had enough hair to keep them hidden. As a child growing up in the 70s, I had no clue as to what was going on with my head.  Alopecia was not common and rarely discussed in those days.  However, I do recall seeing a couple of people who also had some form of Alopecia. I can recall looking at them wondering what was wrong with them not realizing I had the same issue.   

Fast Forward, as I reached puberty I didn’t know why I didn’t grow hair in common places such as my legs, my arms, etc. I was so consumed with my hair issues as a young adult that it became debilitating.  Which I believed was a contributing factor in the rapid hair loss.   I internalized this issue for so many years that my family and close friends had no idea how much I suffered in silence over my hair. It was very depressing. 

As I got older I started rapidly losing my hair which than caused alopecia totalis.  I started going to doctors that tested me for other autoimmune diseases, such as lupus, etc. I had biopsies done and then was referred to a dermatologist who treated me with corticosteroids, Topical Monoxide, Rogaine and creams. I spent tons of money on travel to get wigs customized before Lace wigs became accessible in the beauty stores. 

Hair to me was a symbol of beauty and femininity.  I was very insecure & had very low self-esteem over my hair issues for many years. When I turned forty-eight I began the journey of acceptance.  I gradually began to expose my bald head. I had people who have been in my life for over 20 years who had no idea I was bald. People would ask me what was wrong do you have cancer.  I felt like this autoimmune disorder was so minimal and didn’t feel the need to discuss it when asked.  When I turned 50 it was a wrap I didn’t care what anyone thought or asked me about my hair. 

Today I sometimes forget I had hair issues until I am out and I get compliments on my head. I question myself often and wonder what took me so long to free myself from the stronghold that nearly took the life out of me. I am sharing my story because there are so many women and children who are living with this autoimmune disorder and are struggling on their journey to freedom.  All I can say is.  Be free to be your true self from the inside out. We cripple ourselves when we give power to things that consume us. You are not your hair; you are you with or without it.  Be the best you that you can on your journey to freedom.  

Yours Truly 

Bald Bold and Beautiful 

Reflecting

Reflecting:  I shared this story on my 50th Birthday:  when I made the decision to go to Italy 

Today I have been given another opportunity to do better, be better, & make someone else's life better. I Thank God for brand new mercy for giving me the courage to stand alone, travel alone, & be alone most of my adult life I always felt that happiness was about being  in a relationship/married. Don't mean to get to deep but it's my birthday 😊& I have something to say. I grew up with two sisters who both are deceased.  I always felt a deep saddening in my soul after each of them passed. My immediate family is very small which is why I always felt that being in a relationship would make me feel whole.  I never wanted to do things alone I was always afraid and always felt inadequate when attending different functions by myself. I always felt like I had to have someone with me whether it be one of my daughters or a girlfriend. I stepped out on faith made the decision to not depend on others to celebrate my happy I realized that my happy is not about others I took this trip to Italy to celebrate myself, my own individuality.  I was so nervous but I conquered one of my many fears.  Happy Birthday to me She's

Bald Bold and Beautiful

B

eautiful 

Appointed 

Lovely 

Divine 

This is the face of strength, pushing through minute by minute, grateful, humble and rising above that feeling of defeat 

Crippled by The Past

I don't want to copy others because I'm unsure of myself. I want to follow You and be trained and used by You in the way You have for me. Try not to be disappointed, sometimes people stray away because they are very hard on themselves and feel guilty when they don’t succeed on the journey they have signed up for (expectations) have been set and; when we are not strong enough to keep trying until we do better we give up. Or it can simply be that they are just not ready mentally to be good to themselves.  When we know better we do better. When you are used to unhealthy behaviors you conform to it until there is a breaking point of treating self-better. It’s like being in recovery if you relapse you will not call your sponsor because of shame and guilt; depending on how far gone you are with your addiction. 

The Mask

The Mask: I have always struggled with depression but always thought I had control of it because I got better at hiding it through the years. I want to make this clear that when a person struggles with depression they are honestly battling with something that they don’t understand. Although I believe the word of God, I trust God by faith, and I strive to live by his word every day I still struggled in my process. This is why today I can share my struggle because God prepared me to withstand depression through only my process.

This time of year has always been very challenging for me as I am sure it may be for others. Many of our lives have been changed by the loss of our loved ones. Many bereaved are left to carry on with life as they know it. RIP Cousin Robert Boddie you will truly be missed.

Getting this news on Saturday morning almost set me so far back, but God has surrounded me with people that gently push me to keep moving forward because there are moments I am afraid that I may not bounce back especially being alone in my space. This is new territory for me. I know that God is with me. For all of the politically/spiritually correct individuals that may reply or comment on this statement with “you’re not alone God is with you I get all of that, however, I am speaking my truth on how I feel in my flesh”.

I am sharing my story because I felt the nudge and decided to do so. I am flawed and perfectly imperfect. We all have a story that was designed specifically for us and only us. Many people may have some kind of input or judgment about someone else’s process. All of us have things about us that we don’t even see good, bad and indifferent. I today know that I am not the person I will be tomorrow, Nor am I my past I’m living in the moment and it’s my process. The saying “a picture is worth a thousand words” while at the same time some words can change the whole story.

Please remember to be supportive reach out to one that may seem isolated, or resistant. Stay connected, be gentle, be kind, and please be less judgmental. Have a powerful day on purpose.

I Can’t Be To Others What I Am Not to My Self (Being a Friend Isn’t Easy)

I struggled for many years with feeling less than loving toward myself; I was very comfortable in having negative thoughts about who I was.  It was difficult to make real connections with others.  I had abandonment issues,  I overlooked my flaws and over extended positive behaviors to my acquaintances which I did to make myself feel loved; because of this I have been called  self-absorbed and self-centered.  The way I see it today, life is all about growth when you know better you do better, I am neither of these things and as I have aged I have allowed myself to be open, to be happier, and more improved as a Woman, Mother, Sister, and a friend. Maintaining relationships; did not come easy to me.  I avoided invitations to events, such as family gatherings and social events, just to avoid getting too emotionally involved or connected to others. Not wanting others to know what was going on within my mind, body and soul. 

Releasing a Friendship can be very painful but yet necessary. The mind is a theater of war every day, and our perception about the person we are letting go of may not be our truth. Many times the decision one makes to end a relationship may not be about the other person involved. Letting go doesn't mean you care less about the person.  It's recognizing that the only person you are in control of is self.  One may take it personal and feel it is something that they have done to end the friendship; I came to terms today that for me to live in a more peaceful state of mind letting go will restore my balance.  So I have taken my hands off of situations that do not belong to me which has allowed me to be free from pointless stress.